Solecism...

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 12:28:24 GMT

Even if I had the same plastic surgeries, I wouldn't look as good as Kim Hyun Joon.
That type of perfection just.. shouldn't be allowed.

But at least he has a Korean name. Bahaha.

Lee Min Woo
Lee Min Ho
Kim Min Jung
Kim Min Hee
Kim Min Seon
Kim Min Ji

Honestly, I'd just call everyone "you" if I lived in Korea.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:03:31 GMT

PS: I just noticed I jinxed myself in my Nov. 10 post on LJ. My little cousin actually died that night. 0_0

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 03:00:46 GMT

Why do babies take nine effing months to travel 10 effing centimeters.

And what the eff is with womyn spaces. Creep me out.

And there was a bit of protesting at the trans day of rememberence. Say what? Protesting a memorial service. Go get a job.

AND
I'm not going to say names but a certain couple of guys are really pissing me off lately. They expressed envy at how young I was when I came out and how young I still am and already transitioning.. so I highlighted the benefits of them not having come out earler. A.k.a they got their own bio kids for free with no legal issues and all the adoption BS. Apparently they don't think their kids were worth it.
I guess we all envy what we don't have.
And now they are both trying to out-do me in areas I can't possibly win. Like a certain person happening to be in a straight relationship, having more mass than me, and happening to be taller than me. And the other one happening to be better at sign language than me (which is a result of him having been an INTERPRETER for a few years. I'm not even old enough to compete with that.)
The other day we were talking about scholarships and I told him about the 2 scholarships I was offered and why I turned them down and he had the NERVE to say I would have failed as an artist.
Excuse me? You've seen one pointalism by me and even admitted it was passable and you didn't even know I did that in the 20 minutes before we met up because I didn't want to come without any ideas drawn out. If you think you're such a great artist why don't YOU do all the artwork for this project and let me sleep? Before the art factory shut down I was one of the most on-demand painters. I've made more money selling paintings than working in a year. Don't tell me I'd fail.
He also laughed when I said I was a jazz instructor for a semester. I hate it when people laugh at me for being a dancer.

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 07:26:06 GMT

Sooo I had a brief (few weeks) phase of mild annorexia followed by an even shorter (few days) period of over-eating and my weight hasn't budged a pound.

I am a rock.

I studied today for the first time in weeks.
This only after the realization that I've let my GPA fall drastically with the last few tests and assignments I've done.

My birthday was good except for Nick inviting people to my party that I'm not friends with and complaining every chance he got about something that I do wrong in the relationship. I finally snapped at him on the way home from the bar. And thinking that we were even, this made him want to have sex.
Obviously that's the logical solution to these things.

Siiiigghhh. But I don't say anything because I don't care enough to start arguments over stupid shit.
IF one day he wants to have sex after, say, a family member dies..
Well. Then maybe I'll complain as much as he does on a normal basis.

I think that my role in this relationship is seriously misjudged. In so many ways.
I'm always portrayed as the stronger, more silent one out of the two of us, but that's not me at all. I actually talk a lot if I like you at all. I just don't like many people. I type a lot in my livejournal. I talk to my family and Minh and Kyle every day.
And I'm not strong. Stronger than Nick, yes, but that doesn't take a lot.
Just because I don't curl up and lean on HIS shoulder, and my hand just feels more normal being the one on top, doesn't mean I'm supposed to live up to this stereotype that other people associate with those traits.
And yea I dress more masculine than Nick but that's probably because my ass just doesn't look good in skinny jeans and american apparel shit.
My hair looks messier because it's LIGHTER.
My facial hair is more noticable because I HAVE MORE HAIR than him.
And our sexual roles switch on a daily basis.

Soooo everyone thinks these untrue things about me because I don't talk in falsetto once in a while and I'm not an arts student and I don't have as many female friends as Nick. But should all these things really be used to classify me as something I don't feel myself to be? I've noticed even Nick expects me to take on this role. But just because I catch him when he trips and give him my coat when he's cold, does that mean he can't do the same for me if I'm cold?

I've been wanting to ask my friends how they figure it out in their relationships.. but I'm not sufficiently close to any gay guys that happen to be in stable relationships. And I don't talk to my straight friends about that kind of shit.
Actually.. I don't talk about this shit with anyone besides Minh. And I'm pretty sure she wouldn't know.

Plus we've been together for a year and a half. How do I bring up the fact that he thinks I'm more masculine than I actually am? I know him. He'll get all hurt and say he's mad at me for not telling him sooner. Then it'll be the thing about me never talking about my problems with him. Then he'll ask if I'm happy at all and I'll be cornered. As usual. And I'll probably back out and say it's not that important and go on not talking about shit with him ever because he intimidates me with his emotions every fucking time I try to change things. He'll cry in front of his mom and his mom will think even less of me and he won't tell me until I'm at his house under her scrutiny.
The point being, I'm always made out to be the bad guy because I can't be given an open opportunity to talk about MY issues with the relationship without being attacked in turn. So I just don't talk about them. And it isn't fair.

K I'm glad that's off my chest.

My cosplay is sitting in a corner of my room unloved. I promised I would work on it but never did. I is lazy and are fat.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 07:23:05 GMT

I'm not even sure why the explosion in female pheromonia..
All I did last night was work. And today I went to school.
I've definately been touched and complimented way too much today. Gross.

Last night too.

I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I don't even attract hot people. Just loads of cougars and preteens.

There's a party next door and I'm afraid to go out and buy smokes. Some really really drunk jock wouldn't get off me when I tried to walk down to my friend's apt. So I'm staying at his place tonight. Even though I live 2 floors up.

Ehehehehe there's like 20 people sleeping in a dogpile. Which means I get the couch. Muhahaha.

the three important things in life:

Fri, 23 Oct 2009 13:59:57 GMT

1) ANIME.

Maaaaaaaybe it's all bad luck, but I find that if someone RECOMMENDS an anime to me, it's not likely to hold my interest long.

D.Gray-Man? WTF is that?
I practically fell asleep by episode 7.

And Gilgamesh. Stop fucking staring at eachother. You're desensitizing me to intensity.

Those were the only two even WORTH mentioning. The others made me want to ingest explosives.

Also.. when I ask if anyone knows good Neko Animes and all I get is hentai..
..
guys. I don't want to know what you masterbate to. ALL I want is KITTY EARS. Is it so much to ask for?

._."

And now that my friends have basically popped my hentai cherry.. I think I'm just.. disappointed with nerds.
If you WANT to waste your life making anime that holds no purpose, fine. If you want to watch it, fine.
But MUST you make it seem like the only way to get some is by raping underaged girls who don't seem to know basic self-defense?

I accidentally stumbled upon my next cosplay attempt. I have a feeling I'll end up cosplaying with someone I hate.
.. Like Manda //instantpuke.

Also: I went from mostly anime to mostly J-drama, and just finished a few Korean and Taiwanese dramas. The spanish novella is making a comeback in my life and it's probably my mother's fault. I need to find manlier shows >_> .. Although the shows I choose tend to have a lot of violence, cars, and gangsters in them. Manlier genres.

2) SCHOOL.

I have one midterm left and it's not until Nov.6. WOOOOOOT. WOOT.
Today I was on campus and someone yelled my name from the CEB building entrance but they were too far away and left too fast for me to find out who it was. The best part was what they said:
"MATEO. I'M COMING OUT OF THE CLOSET. AND I LOVE YOU. <insert hysterical laughter and escape>"

I have a few possible suspects in mind.

3) SLEEP.

I should go try to sleep again or I'll have panda eyes. BYEBYE.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 10:15:51 GMT

I am making myself better. Just not your way.
I can starve and bleed and only feel the epinephrine consuming my body;
I can ignore pain and survive what you can't imagine.
I am choosing my own path, and I'm grateful
that at least I'm not like you.

I have no idea how I got such a low mark in statistics.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 03:08:23 GMT

Professor Baayen is possibly treating me extra nice now because my paper indicates I have an IQ of 40 or something.

AND I'M OUT OF SOY MILK.

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 13:50:03 GMT

Staging a protest fast doesn't work so well when you live alone. 0_o

KITTEN. I LOVE YOU. -snuggles-

Also
WHY DID I TAKE A POST-GRAD SPLIT COURSE. FUCK. ME. ARGH.
It's 7:46am and I've done shit all for this research paper...

>_>
I can't help it if Gokusen is more interesting.

I picked the stupidest topic. Orang-utans vs. Gorillas and Chimps on the phylogenetic tree using cognitive ability and physiological response to prosidy measures.
I decided I wanted 2 more pages so now I'm spooning out morphological and social aspects of each species.
Seriously. I have A.D.D when I'm writing.

How the eff am I going to name this paper 0.0

hhhhhhhhhhhggghhhhggg
coffeee 8-0

My favorite prof said she'd consider me as a research assistant next year, since I can't be a T.A.
SCORE
I have to see though. Depends on my marks and schedule.
I still want to do the internship though ._.
Decisions. Pooh.

//nerding out.

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 00:23:06 GMT

There's a point I hit every few years
when suddenly I need to relearn how to make sandcastles.
But alas...
I make shitty sandcastles.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:01:12 GMT

I just finished my cover letter and resume for my internship. I'm pretty stoked, I hope I hear back from them. Although the lady said I wouldn't be able to do school counselling unless they really needed someone because I still look like a high school student ._.

Bah oh well. INTERNSHIP. WOOT.

I've dropped like 3-4 lbs in the past few days. I just haven't been hungry.. I'm already getting comments about me looking hungry..?
Personally, I'm worried my hyperthyroidism is on a comeback. That's how it started last time.. then I started over-eating and dropping weight like crazy.

Whatever. I could stand to lose a few.

Dr.Corbett must be a busy, busy man. Warneke referred me in March and I haven't gotten a call back. On the one hand, I'm impatient to be done with all these ghastly procedures and just have the effing "M" on my ID already. On the other hand.. two surgeries within a short time span would shock my body and mind too much.

I have to get a pregnancy test tomorrow. PREGNANCY. My Endo is on crack.

I think I should have picked one of my easier subjects, like anatomy, for the fall term. A full 5-course semester with all my hardest requirements for the year may not have been the smartest thing for me to do.

I envy Nick and his diploma program. He doesn't even have to make his schedule.. they make it FOR him.
Actually I envy all my friends because none of them are taking 5 courses, and only one has 2 jobs as I do. And she doesn't have volunteer work.

Speaking of ridiculous amounts of work.. I scaled the ENTIRE downtown EPL and found only ONE book that dealt with historical linguistics in Hindu. And there was no mention of mantras. Nor was there any article or book mentioning it in the U of A and Grant Mac archives.
What REALLY pisses me off is that they have 4 books on it in the Robarts @ U of T.
FUCK WHY DID I TRANSFER.

Now I have to write my stupid paper on something I'm less inclined to research and rely on the pitiful amount of information on linguistics that Edmonton has to offer.
..

I want asparagus.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 06:05:52 GMT

I tried to alleviate my stress by reasoning that at least my life is never boring.

..
It didn't really work.

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 06:15:03 GMT

I've been breaking my back all my life to prove myself to you. And for what.

My sex change is never going to reverse itself. I will never regret it. I will persist in my appreciation of lessons you refuse to learn. I will find my happiness in a life you find abominable. I won't listen to your "advice" because it turns rancid on your tongue. I will not hide. I will not lie to make you comfortable. You disgust everyone around you with how you treat me. Your own wife questions you because of me.

I have never betrayed you as you have me.
I have never thrown acid on the wounds of our relationship as you have.
You have never seen me as a person.
You've defaced me in front of others, desecrated my body, torn the respect and love I tried to retain for you.
You constantly insult me, misread me, accuse me for everything that has gone wrong in this family.
Do you not see how we have cowered and fled from your presence?
Do you not know that your own children hate being around you?
You probably do. Because you replaced us. And now your fake family hates you too.

If, one day, I become the person you think I am now, then I have failed myself.

How far are you planning to go? When will you be happy with all that you have done to me?

I can't even stand living in the same city as you.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:04:06 GMT

It really pisses me off when they draw anime characters completely different from the manga.
It pisses me off more to see inaccurate cosplays.

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 06:53:36 GMT

Trinity Blood
Elemental Galade
Junjou Romantica 2
Black Lagoon
Daughter of 20 Faces
Hitman Reborn
D. Gray Man
Munto TV

I'm watching so many animes at once, I'm getting plots confused.

My kitten missed me so much, she hasn't detached herself from me since I came back. So f*ckn cute.

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 09:56:22 GMT

I studied for my final today. I wrote my final today. I think I'm generally pretty good at not having to study much =)
My sister's birthday party is in a few hours. HO SHIT. Gotta buy her something >_>
Whatever, she loves me. And she's senile.
My cousins are all popping poopers out lately. Hispanic people are a plague. But everyone else is jealous of our awesome music and food.
._.?
I keep starting series then stopping. I watched like the first 20 episodes of Junjou Romantica before getting seriously embarassed with myself.
Gabe and Blair have both asked separately to see my chest so I took a picture today. Then I stared at it.
I look like that? Honestly?
What are all these people thinking when they hit on me? Are downtowners seriously that desperate?
Whatever.
I'll cut my mullet off soon.
Sooo I finally convinced the only fangirl I found online to send me the pics she took of me and Nick cosplaying.
SWEET SHIT. She's going to tomorrow. Hopefully. I'm excited.
I also saw Maya the other day. Now to get my game back.. <_<

There was this question on my test that made me giggle inappropriately. It was like this:

"Your friend tells you that she has been having random seizures for over 2 weeks. She has been to the doctor and seems to be perfectly healthy. There is no significant stress in her life, and no other symptoms of illness. What is the most likely cause of her seizures?
A. somatization disorder
B. hypochondriasis
C. conversion disorder
D. general anxiety disorder"

I self-diagnose myself a lot as karma. It's called "medical student's disease" and it makes me paranoid.

Edit: I learned to spell in grade 15.

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 07:17:38 GMT

I have now been voted "Favorite Cafe Staff Member" by MacEwan, Still Point, iTonica, Second Cup on Jasper, and Booster Juice. Pwnt.
This is just another booster to my over-fed ego.
Me and Nick had fangirls up the wazoo all weekend, and I think by Sunday he was marginally less pissy about life.
I'm still never cosplaying again with him, though. Unless I have enough time to make both our costumes entirely myself well before the event.

Hmmm...

I got my first 100% on an essay in university today. My class ends Thursday. THANK ALLAH.
I also am stalker FREE for the first time in over a year.
I'm finally on top of all my paperwork for the support group, and my capoeira classes begin in September.
So I can kick your ass, and samba while I'm doing it.

I'm finally starting to save money again, which means no student loans this year again. I hate loans.
I'm going white water rafting on a #5 river for the first time in.. ever. I'm pretty psyched.
My surgery healing is pretty much not an issue to me anymore.
I lost weight in all the right places and I'm feeling sexy.
OH AND MY KITTEN IS A CUTE SHIT AND I LOVE COMING HOME TO HER.

I think that's all for now.
Oh yea.. and both my parents have independently decided to shower me with love for the first time in a while. It rocks.

Tue, 28 Jul 2009 10:34:14 GMT

I love my kitten. Lovelovelove.

Sooooooo I told Ashley I had a midterm and she booked me to work 53 fucking hours the week before. I ended up not having time to study until the day of, but that morning I had a lab and a vet appointment with Ashe. I ended up studying for about 2 hours total in the cab and on the train and all. Got 84.2%. Brings my total average down to an A-. I'm very displeased.

._.

Back to having no social life.
I could drop one of my jobs, but I am so low on finances right now I don't even know how I'm paying winter term.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:30:20 GMT

I feel pretty sexy for no reason.

I spent all morning moving stuff with my mind. It's neat. I didn't know I could do it.
I'll show Nick at some opportune moment when I can get optimum amaze points.

I can only move metals within proximity to myself. I am obvz Magneto.

"Consciousness expresses itself through creation." - Michael Jackson

Tue, 30 Jun 2009 07:48:27 GMT

This is part of a thing I wrote my friend via e-mail. The other part is an argument about media coverage on MJ.

I've been made fun of all my life for being an MJ fan. So I usually don't mention it.

But say what you want, Michael Joseph Jackson's death caused the single largest internet traffic flood in history.

He changed my life. My first insult was "Eat this."
Most people who have met me outside of school met me at a dance comp/ recital or art show. I began dancing before I could run; down tempo-ing all over a certain patch of rug in front of the stereo whenever my parents would blast a Jackson song. The first routines I learned were from "Moonwalker", a sign from the gods to me because it came out the year I was born. My family was really poor when I was a kid, so I couldn't get into a dance class until I was about 8 I think. But that doesn't mean I didn't learn every MJ routine I could rent on video or see on T.V. Dancing has probably been one of the most important and rewarding things I've done with my life, and I'll do it for as long as I can, wherever and however I can.
When I was little, Michael was still an over-sexualized idol who looked like a girl with no boobs. I only ever wore eyeliner or boots because he did. He made it okay to like androgeny, okay to sing in a high voice and explore the rich vocal fillings of his songs, from scat and rap to "the Michael hiccup" and falsetto. He made it okay to dress eccentrically, to explore my own artistic self.
In junior high I put up with a lot of racial discrimination. Michael's struggle with MTV, which later lead him to make more bold moves towards diversity education and breaking racial boundries helped me deal with my own life. When he cried after Oprah asked about his skin condition (leukoderma), the importance of his skin color to his identity made me re-evaluate my own views of being non-caucasian in an almost all-white school. His music got me through things that make some kids kill themselves.
And now my biggest idol when I was growing up is dead.

=(

"Yeah, Wacko Jacko, where did that come from? Some English tabloid. I have a heart and I have feelings. I feel that when you do that to me. It’s not nice."
- Michael Jackson

bleh

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 02:33:38 GMT

I had my T.V thingy monday. The article on transpeople ft me is in The Edmonton Journal tomorrow. I've been asked to be a part of a collaborative journalism project on transpeople.

I'm not sure the media is treating this the right way. Making me a minor celebrity is one way of getting trans issues known to the public, but it's skewed and indirect.
I don't want to be known for being oppressed. I want to not be oppressed.

Time for a protest.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 06:21:45 GMT

My dad keeps saying he'll give me the apartment if I do A, he'll pay for my surgeries if I do B, etc.

If I do everything he asks, will I get to retire without ever working?

I had a T.V interview for N.A.I.T yesterday. I have an Edmonton Journal interview tomorrow.
Then I get to be all googly eyed over my hot dreamboat boyfriend as he serenades an entire audience with his SK1LLZ OF D00M.

Did I mention he's like so totally fetch? Yea. >_>

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:29:04 GMT

I'm so frusterated at how little time I have to orchestrate everything in my life right now.

Check facebook, all. The Clandestine War. For now it's just a facebook group.. until me, Ace Jackie can get organized.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 20:47:38 GMT

I pulled an all-nighter last night thinking about all this shit in my life. Thank you, government, for just completing the worst semester of my life.

I have no idea how we're going to do this Cuba thing. I'm getting desperate.

I really just.. want the ability to cry. It leaves me at the worst times.

..
Chi is sleeping on my bum. lol

Update on Trans Stuff

Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:33:54 GMT

Dr.Warneke is impossible to get ahold of. On the bright side, he hasn't not done something he said he would do for me yet, so I'm pretty sure by now he's sent in referals for my bottom shit.

My hairline is superbly different now, my peen grew, my body is getting pretty fit, I grew in height, my shoe size has stabalized, I have to shave my face often now, I'm attracted to everything, I'm getting hit on a lot since I cut all my hair off, and er I just look different.

Plus I've been in the guy's locker rooms twice a week all semester and haven't had a problem passing yet. I think that is the ultimate test, tbh.

All the friends I've reinstated into my life this year have become comfortable enough now to never slip, as well. Actually, I think some have gone a bit gay and it might be my influence.
The crowning achievment, of course, is Paco the mexican.
I want to be cocky and think he just can't resist my charm as a friend. It's probably that he just wants to mooch off my good grades.

I'm also seeing a dermatologist on Thursday to prevent major acne damage, as it seems to be getting a bit out of hand. Not on my face though.

I think that's it.

I also didn't run support group this week, which saddens me. But overall the group seems to be picking up, the protest was fun, and we might be walking the gay pride parade. Not to mention it looks superb on my resume.